My step-dad posted this
silly attack on Libertarianism, and I figured one good caricature deserves
another, so please enjoy my 10 Tips for a Liberal Thanksgiving.
1. Pick up your FREE* turkey from your local Federal distribution center. We decided that since so many people buy turkey on Thanksgiving, it would be better if we all pooled our resources and negotiated a really good deal with one producer. All you have to do is make an appointment at the distribution center, fill out the attached 17 forms in triplicate, provide 2 forms of photo I.D., and wait 2-4 weeks for delivery of your FREE* turkey!
Of course, you’re not required to get one, but *your taxes already paid for it (and the delivery and distribution centers and their workers) so you probably should. If you wanted ham, nobody’s stopping you from buying one of those in addition to what you already paid, or if you want a higher end turkey than we provide, you can probably afford to have paid twice anyway, so don’t complain. Be thankful that you can afford luxury items, you greedy fat cat!
2. Anyone who does the cooking during Thanksgiving must be paid $10 per hour, doubled for Holiday pay, and taxed at roughly 20%. Families found to have neglected to pay the cook(s) or pay taxes will be subject to fines and jail time.
1. Pick up your FREE* turkey from your local Federal distribution center. We decided that since so many people buy turkey on Thanksgiving, it would be better if we all pooled our resources and negotiated a really good deal with one producer. All you have to do is make an appointment at the distribution center, fill out the attached 17 forms in triplicate, provide 2 forms of photo I.D., and wait 2-4 weeks for delivery of your FREE* turkey!
Of course, you’re not required to get one, but *your taxes already paid for it (and the delivery and distribution centers and their workers) so you probably should. If you wanted ham, nobody’s stopping you from buying one of those in addition to what you already paid, or if you want a higher end turkey than we provide, you can probably afford to have paid twice anyway, so don’t complain. Be thankful that you can afford luxury items, you greedy fat cat!
2. Anyone who does the cooking during Thanksgiving must be paid $10 per hour, doubled for Holiday pay, and taxed at roughly 20%. Families found to have neglected to pay the cook(s) or pay taxes will be subject to fines and jail time.
3. Enjoy your meal,
but please be aware that a Social Welfare Officer will be joining you for
dinner! He is there to guarantee that
nobody takes in more than their daily recommended caloric requirements, as
decided by a team of bureaucrats in Washington. Trust us, it’s for your own good, as it will
keep you healthier and keep your health care costs lower, which in turn will
keep your taxes low! Everybody wins!
4. Once each family member has had his or her daily sustenance needs met, your Social Welfare Officer will collect the leftovers for redistribution to families that have not had their daily caloric requirements met. This ensures that everyone gives and receives their fair share, and everyone will have something to be thankful for!
5. All dinners must begin between 4:00-5:00 p.m. This is to help ensure that ample time will be available after the meal for redistribution of leftovers to needy families. Families found to be eating outside of the appointed dinner time may be subject to fines.
4. Once each family member has had his or her daily sustenance needs met, your Social Welfare Officer will collect the leftovers for redistribution to families that have not had their daily caloric requirements met. This ensures that everyone gives and receives their fair share, and everyone will have something to be thankful for!
5. All dinners must begin between 4:00-5:00 p.m. This is to help ensure that ample time will be available after the meal for redistribution of leftovers to needy families. Families found to be eating outside of the appointed dinner time may be subject to fines.
6. Do not be alarmed that your Social Welfare Officer is armed. He is part of a special class of citizens that are trustworthy, and would never misuse his weapon under any circumstances. Also, it’s almost inevitable that some fat, wealthy families will refuse to share their leftovers with the truly needy, so a show of force may be required to ensure that everyone can have a great Thanksgiving.
7. Please select all recipes from the federally provided list of acceptable options. Remember, you’re not just cooking for your own family; you are cooking for all of the needy as well. Families will be fined for any dishes that do not conform to the federal list, as those confiscated leftovers cannot safely be redistributed and must be replaced at taxpayer expense.
8. You are free to
say grace, and encouraged, as this is a fine American tradition and your right
under the First Amendment. However,
please be aware that if you choose to bless the food, you must bless it
according to each tradition represented in America, as the food may be distributed
to members of various religious affiliations.
Attached you will find federally approved methods of blessing foods
according to each religion to which your meal may later be redistributed.
9. Be careful while you are eating not to exceed your caloric limits before desert. It would be tragic if you were unable to consume one of the two government-approved options of Apple of Pumpkin pie! Our favored corporate producer has worked long and hard to provide this sub-quality, subsidized delicacy at prices far more astounding than their flavor.
10. Please be
prepared to welcome a government-assigned guest to your table. Each family will be required to sponsor one
guest per five family members (minimum one) who would otherwise have nowhere to
share a family meal. Many are mentally
unstable or criminally dangerous, so you will be glad that your Social Welfare
Officer is armed. Please treat your
guests exactly as you would treat your own family. Remember, we’re all in this together, and
everyone should have something to be thankful for!
